Just thoughts on marriage, not adoption related....

We live in a world of self gratification and always thinking that we should feel good because society tells us this is how life should be. This type of thinking is dangerous and damaging, yet our world accepts it and agrees with it. Why do I think this? Why am I feeling the need to bring it up? Because it’s scary and disheartening being immersed in a society that feels entitlement and that constant indulgence, constant rewards, and constant happiness should always be within reach.

It’s scary being in an environment where the latest gossip is who slept with who, and who is leaving their spouse for someone else. It’s scary that rather than praying for these people and realizing the sadness in that situation, it’s commonplace and acceptable.

Our world says, you don’t feel “happy” or "satisfied" in your marriage, it’s okay to develop feelings for someone else. You feel as though your marriage isn’t giving you everything you need, find a different partner who is more sympathetic and will GIVE YOU what YOU want. There’s no reason to work through problems with your spouse, with whom you made a commitment to be faithful and love in good times AND in bad  Our society says, "Don’t turn to GOD to help you through these difficult times, just cheat on your spouse with someone else and you’ll find the happiness and gratification you want."

It’s scary that our society devalues true love in a marriage because it takes effort and commitment from both partners to keep the relationship going. But more importantly, that God is supposed to be involved in your marriage, and people seem to forget that, or ignore it from the get go. Because after all, "Marriage is just a piece of paper," right?

This, I feel, is linked to our society's devaluing of life in general. Because the marriage is another type of life gift. You're given this partner, this person, and you become one body, one life! I am so blessed to have the husband I have. I look at others who are throwing their marriages away after a year, 5 years, 15 years, 20 years, because they are not feeling the "magic" any more, or the "in love" feelings they used to. They hurt not only themselves in doing so, but they hurt their partner and any children they may have had. 

I hope that my husband and I can be good enough examples for our children in the precious gift that is marriage and how important it is to choose a good partner who feels the same about marriage. I hope that someday our society will wake up and realize that divorce is not an easy out to have in your back pocket when things don't go just as you hoped. I hope that our society begins to value marriage again and the life that God gives us in it. Marriage is not just something you do so you can have a special day, it's a vocation that we should feel blessed to be in.

I pray for those affected by poor choices and decisions to seek out gratification outside of their union. I pray for the people who make mistakes and realize that this choice was wrong and that these marriages can work through any of these scenarios. I pray for marriage, and that it is seen for the true sacrament for which it is.

All I want for Christmas- 海利 (Hailey)

I have been up since before six due to cramps. I tried to go back to sleep, and it was a no go. Partly because of the pain, and partly because I had Andy and Owen both snoring, the wind blowing extremely loud and heavy, and I couldn't stop thinking. And so here I am.

Last year at this time, we had just been given travel dates to meet our other "son" in Russia, and then our dream of being his parents disappeared within less than a week when the law was being signed to ban adoptions. We would have had him home by the summer, and he would be here with us celebrating and joining in the Christmas joy.  This has remained in the back of my mind as we continued through advent and entering Christmas.

Despite knowing we are less one child than we thought we'd be, this Christmas season has still been good. The past few week I have enjoyed watching Owen LOVE Christmas and be so into decorating and getting ready for Christmas. He's even learning Christmas songs, and I LOVE listening to him sing them. I cannot wait for him to open his gifts and see him so excited and having fun with them. I couldn't imagine Christmas without his joy!

The only thing that could make Christmas better is knowing who our daughter is, seeing her face, and knowing we would soon be holding her. It has been almost a year since we switched over to the china program, and almost 2 years since we began discussing our next adoption. All I want for Christmas is Hailey, to see her beautiful face, her eyes, her hands, to know that we will soon have our family together. I think I'm asking for a Christmas miracle since Christmas is 3 days away, and I'm not so sure I've been a good enough "girl" this year to deserve that miracle.

I keep trying to stay positive about it, and to be patient and know that I need to get past my controlling nature and believe. But part of me is having problems being positive. Part of me is worried that my request for a Christmas miracle won’t happen until next Christmas. I was not ready for this long of a wait. I was not prepared for my heart to feel this missing piece for so long.

After feeling all sorry for myself, then I started to think how pathetic my sadness really is, because these kids that I see in orphanages are the ones who’s Christmas miracle really needs to happen. They need so much more than I do, and I need to focus on praying for them and that they get what they need, including the little boy we wanted so badly to be home with us last year. So that is what I’m going to try and concentrate on is praying that all these kids find the love they deserve. So while all I thought I wanted for Christmas was Hailey, I now realize I really want all orphans home for Christmas, and no matter how many Christmas we have to go through for these miracles to happen, I need to keep praying for them to come true.

Please pray with me this Christmas for all of these children find their families soon.

 

An example of fun conversations with Owen.

Owen and I played with his castle and nights tonight. Then I said, I think I need a check up I don't feel so good. Think you can give me a check up?

Owen: Yeah, I'll fix you up. Let me listen to your heart. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in. Let me give you a shot. It's going to pinch. Did that hurt?

Me: Just a little.

Owen: K. Let me look in your mouth. You're sick! I better give you some medicine. Let me check your temperature. (He looks at the thermometer) 80 degrees!

Me: that's not good, is it?

Owen: No!

Me: You have a good bedside manner.

Owen: Thanks patient.

Me: Did you check out my ears yet?

Owen: I’m just doing that now. You have a lot of gunk in your ears!

Me: How are you going to get it out?

Owen: With my finger.

Me: Oh, that’s kind of gross. (Owen’s laughing). Is that what mommy does?

Owen: No! (laughing).  Sit up please so I can check your blood pressure.

Me: Awe, I was hoping to lay down.

Owen: You can lay down after I check your blood pressure. Patient, can you put the blood pressure on please. (I dutifully put the cuff on my arm). Thanks Patient. (He pumps it up) 39 O’Clock! Looks good.

Me: Great!  ( I was allowed to lay back down)

Owen: (Picks up the instrument that is a cross between an Otoscope and the little hammer doctors have) I’m going to bam your legs, cause that will make you feel better.

Me: Do you mean you’re going to check my reflexes?? (Hoping he really doesn’t want to bam my legs).

Owen: (matter of factly) Yeah.  (However, he –obviously- has no clue what a reflex was, so he really pretty much meant bamming my legs). Bam. (Yeah, ouch.).

 

Daddy finally came in from work (late), and Owen played more with him, giving him a check up too.

 

Dad: Owen you want to give me a flu shot?

Owen: Don’t call me Owen, call me Owen Doctor.

Dad: How about I call you Doctor M. ?

Owen: yeah!

 

I then had to call for him if I “needed” him, LOL.  Doctor McMullin, Doctor McMullin! LOL. I’m sure I didn’t totally capture the entirety of his cuteness in this, but he was very funny. Gotta love himJ

No news....................................Waiting is the hardest part.

This past Saturday, 10/05, marked 1 year since we had been matched with a baby boy in Russia. I can't believe that a year has gone by already. We had been so ready to bring our next child home.  Now we continue to pray that God has given this little boy another family.

Now we wait in month 4 since our dossier has been in China for a little girl that we know God has waiting for us. Patience is not my forte.  So I'm just trying not to pull my hair out, or go loopy.

Owen tries to keep me busy so I can keep my mind off the wait, though I know he doesn't realize he's doing that, LOL. I really wish I could carry around a recorder with me all day with him so I could tell everyone all of our conversations, or his rationalizations, or his singing!

Today, he rationalized that he could do something that an adult does because he's wearing a football jersey.....um, yeah, HA!  Some how wearing that jersey makes him bigger and stronger, hee hee. Another time this week, I sang the "I love you Owen." To the tune of the bye-bye birdy song. Then he said, "it's my turn mom to sing to you." Oh it was funny. It wen something like, "I love you mommy, yes I do.  A bushel and a peck. Love you, cause I don't like you, I mean I like you, and I love you......a bushel and a peck."

Typically it takes Owen a little while to get a sentence out too. "Mom, you know, I .....you know I....Mom, you know I....I like to play football and.......and......and I....and I am good at it.....cause.....cause....cause I'm big and strong........."

Tonight, we met up with our friend Kelli and her 2 kids Anthony and Emily to get their pics done together in their Halloween costumes. Boy was that crazy!  Emily was very good and tried to get her pics done, but Owen started out all crying and pouty and not wanting to participate, and Anthony was very angry that he was blocked from the trash. LOL. Finally, after promising ice cream, Owen started smiling and doing what we asked. (That was after several other ways/attempts to get him to do it.) It didn't help that it was a new photographer, and she was not very loud when she spoke, and she didn't really seem to know how to get the sitting started, even with us telling her she could take some of Emily by herself first. In the end, the pictures were pretty good, better than I thought we were going to get.

Waiting is so not fun. But having Owen (and Andy) to wait with makes it bearable and entertaining. I love Owen, and I know he will love having a sibling. I continue to hope we hear something soon, but I don't know.....it's all in God's time. And I just have to suck it up;)

Blessings Continued

So, after my last post I felt bad (and maybe a bit embarrassed) about my rant, and my anguish and my sadness....and my jealousy. Therefore, it's taken me a while to want to post again.

Then, last night after dinner, Andy and Owen went outside to play without me. I've been just getting over either a cold or bad allergies (so not sure which), and so I stayed inside. I will not deny that I was also at the end of a very good book, and had played a lot with Owen inside before dinner, so I decided it was a good time to get some reading in. So I sat my lazy bum in the recliner, kicked back and started to read as they headed out the door.

Since it was a nice night out, Andy had a couple windows downstairs open, and as my boys started playing outside. Owen was laughing and giggling, and I just laid my book down and listened. I cried a few tears. One, because I was overwhelmed with love for my wonderful, amazing, and loving husband and my adorable, crazy, sweet, ornery son and the joy they give each other and me. I am SOOOOOOO blessed to have both of them. I never imagined that I would truly find such an amazing partner to share my life with, and then BOOM love struck me and there was Andy. I cried so many tears and longed so much for a child to hold in my arms, and then BOOM there is this child that is so special, so amazing, so unique, and so MINE, placed in my arms and heart FOREVER.
To have the combination of them, MY BOYS!  How can life get any better?!?!?!

Though some of my tears were for my daughter who is not home yet and who I am sad is missing out on these moments and not with our forever family, yet, I did not wallow in that yesterday. I did imagine how Owen and Andy are going to incorporate her into their fun and games, and that made me teary too. Because our family, our gift, is going to continue to get even more amazing, and right now, we're just paving the way for our baby girl, our HAILEY, to come home and find her place in our goofiness. I can see Owen trying to teach her how to throw and kick the balls, and Andy swinging her in his arms, pushing her on the swings, and the utter joy all 3 of them are going to have being with each other. I can feel the joy already, because I am living in joy RIGHT NOW! 

I AM so blessed to hear the laughter, to be able to watch the fun and see the love grow and grow, and better yet, to be part of it as both of my boys throw their smiles at me and call to me. "Hi MOMMY!" "Hi LOVE! (our nickname Andy and I have for each other) To hear those words and to feel them all the way to my heart; to have the blessing of such love that ONLY can start from GOD OUR FATHER! That is AMAZING and I need to stay focused on the blessings that continue to rain down on us every day. And that is what I'm going to continue to do, even the next time I am feeling down, as that is how we make it through those moments. Through the love that originates from God.

So you see, how could I not want to post about this awesomeness, right? I shared some painful feelings last post, and so to be able to share these wonderful and joyful feelings that are 10 x stronger and more important than the other ones just felt right. :)

Feeling down....feel free to skim, it's a long one.......

Okay, so I have been feeling kind of sad this week, mainly because the wait during an adoption sucks. Sometimes I feel okay about it, and focus on praying hard for patience. Then other times, I feel like I'm panicky inside, wondering how long this is going to take, and what if it ends up being 18 months. I feel all like, heart racing, and just get this, feeling outside of myself feeling.  I know that I will come out of this feeling, and it kind of comes and goes in spurts. This week, we got her room part way done, which is exciting, but not at the same time.

Why not? Before we started re-doing it made me sad because we weren't having a little boy join our family, and because Owen is growing up (which is also good and I love him in this stage, but I miss that little baby that only stayed little for what seemed like a min. ) and him not being in that room reminds of this. So I had been anxious to get it changed. Now though, the room will sit empty again, waiting on our baby girl who we don't know. I know, I'm pathetic, because either way I look at it, I was sad about it. I will say that I am happier with how the room is turning out that I was when we first started painting, and it seemed so.....Purple. (Which is absolutely funny, because my favorite color is purple.)

The other reason I've been feeling sad, and this has been for the last month, is because I still struggle with the feelings of infertility and the irregular cycles I have. 2.5 months ago, I found a supplement online that could help with hormone levels, so I decided to try it. I actually felt confident that it could help me with my cycles, and that I would be able to get pregnant on it. Ha! Why do I set myself up for disappointment. The first month, my cycle was actually a bit better. However, month 2 was not. I'm on month 3, and I still can't tell a real difference, but I don't know. 

I know that when you choose to adopt they want you to be "reconciled" with the idea of being infertile. I DO NOT understand how they think you can have those feelings resolved fully. I still struggle when others get pregnant, I still struggle seeing newborns, I still struggle with the fact that I'm missing out on years of my children's lives and not knowing what is happening to them when they are not with me while all others have to do is touch their stomach to feel their child kick.  

Tonight at mass, I was trying to get Owen to fold his hands and say some prayers after communion. I tell Owen we go to mass to thank God for making our family and bringing us together. We always say a prayer for his sister. Tonight, I said, we ask God to watch over her until she comes home. He said, why. I said, because God is the one who can see her and be with her while we can’t. At that point, he turned around and said, why, I want a baby like one, and turned and pointed to a little baby who looked like she was going to be baptized after mass. I know that is an innocent statement from a 3 year old, and I was not upset with him. However, it is another reminder that I will not have my children home that young.

I have a monthly reminder that I'm infertile. I have menstrual issues way more than just infertility, that no one can seem to fix. I know that this is TMI, but I don't think people realize that when you're infertile, there can be way more going on than you just can't conceive a child. There are health issues involved with infertility, and because you face them all the time, the feelings of infertility can’t just vanish. So I keep praying, and I keep praying, and I keep praying to get past these feelings.

I cannot say that infertility is just a burden, because it is not. If I was not infertile, I would not have my son. Owen is so amazing, and so much my child. I thank God every day that he led us to Owen. I cannot imagine our life without him, and I know that the same will be true of our baby girl once she is home. Sometimes, it is easy to forget that I didn’t carry him in my womb, or that I missed his first year. However, it’s mostly when we’re just together as a family. At work and other places, it is harder to forget what I missed out on with him. And now I’m wondering how much I’m missing out on in Hailey’s life, and how old she will be when she comes home. We were really so very lucky getting to meet Owen at 9 months, and to bring him home at 12 months.

I keep trying to remind myself that without infertility, we would not be the family that we are. I would not be the woman that I am, and I would not be as aware of the plight of orphans who need people to be their voice. I know that this is why God has led us in this direction, and I know we are so blessed, in so many ways. I feel ungrateful having the feelings I have. I feel like by having them, my family, specifically my children, will not know how much I truly and absolutely love them and need them in my life. That God KNEW I needed them, and He brought us together because He knew who our family needed to be.

I think I’ve rambled enough. I think I just needed to vent a little and to talk out some of my feelings. I know that they will pass. I know that God is riding the feelings with me; I just need to listen to Him and feel Him with me. I love my family, and honestly, I’m so thankful to be where we are at and to have Owen. Adoption is SUCH a blessing, and not just for the children. I don’t even want to think about how it would feel not to have Owen. I know part of my feelings are also due to the long wait for our daughter. Prayer is the only true answer to everything, and I just need to continue to pray.

Somewhere out there.....

Ever since the Russian ban was put into effect and we realized that we would not be bringing our little boy home, I have been watching the Russian database to see if they changed or updated his photo, so I could keep "tabs" on him in whatever way I could. Well, Saturday night, Andy and I decided to check the database, and our little guy's picture was gone. We are PRAYING really hard that this is a good thing, and that it means he has been adopted.  It feels strange not knowing, and it makes us not being able to adopt him even more real, which is odd since we know we could not.  Now though, we really don't know where he is. We hope that somewhere out there, he is now with his forever family and being given the love that he deserves and that we were hoping to share with him. He will always be in our heart and always will be the son we never got to meet, but now we have more hope for him and his future.

We worked more on our daughter's room yesterday, and the painting is almost done. We have the pink and blue done. Now we just have to touch up the purple. We should be able to have all the decorations and everything up within the next week or two. Depending on the time and everything else we have going on. We were informed a couple weeks ago that there is a 6 - 12 month wait on being matched with a girl under 2. This was not the original time frame we were given. We were originally told we could be matched within 3-4 months. We were also told that it is likely we would not travel to pick our daughter up until 4-6 months after we are matched.

So, finishing up her room is good, but just reminds me that it will be sitting empty that much longer. I am not good with the wait. I'm anxious. All I think about is who she is, how old she is, what she looks like, what conditions she'll have, what will we need to do to make sure everything is ready for her, including medical appointments, possible surgeries.

We started this adoption process 5/2012. We've gone through heart ache, had to re-do our home study, re-do our dossier, and mentally and emotionally change the direction our lives were going.
I keep thinking bout how long it is taking, and how we would love to have 4 kids, and how this process of adoption seems to be getting harder and taking longer. I have been praying that we would bring our girl home by Christmas and we know that this cannot happen at this point. My heart aches to know and hold and have this little girl home with us. I watch Owen and am so anxious for him to have his sister here.

I am praying for patience. As my family will attest, I come from a long line of control freaks (though my mother might deny it, LOL). I am praying very hard to give over my need for control and trust in God and his timing. To know that He has a plan and it is always better than what we can have planned for ourselves.

I ask my friends and family to continue to pray for a little boy that we hold dear in our hearts, for a daughter we hope to soon hold in our arms, and for all the children everywhere that need families. Somewhere out there are families just waiting to be united.

Projects, projects, projects.....

So, another blog not totally related to the adoption. I must really feel like blogging lately, LOL. We have been working on projects inside the house and outside the house. First, we have been trying to get our landscaping looking better this year, and have decided to change out mulching for having river rocks in our plant beds. Since this is a more permanent way of layering the plant beds, we are going to start pulling some bushes/plants, transplanting plants, and planting new ones- only perennials. I am super excited about no longer worrying about mulching!  I am also super excited because this may help alleviate some pest issues we've had in the past, such as cats using our mulch as a bathroom (YUCK!), we have some sort of snake (I'm guessing a garden snake) living in the front plant bed as well....I'm pretty sure I found some disgusting snake skin the other day on our walkway, and these tiny little insects that we have had an issue with for a bout a month called springtails (double YUCK!).  They are attracted to moisture, and the rocks are better around the house and don't retain the moisture on top the way mulch does. So there are MANY positives to the river rocks. Along with this, we are also trying to decrease some of our landscaping by cutting back on the plant bed in the front of our house, and getting rid of the one that lines the deck in our back. Why? Because who ever designed our landscaping had to be CRAZY!  The plant beds are so huge, and I really don't think that was necessary.

Plus, we are SERIOUSLY contemplating tearing down our deck and having a patio put in. Again, many of you may be wondering why....well because we've also had ground hogs, wood bees, and other creepy crawlies that LOVE to make a home out of our deck. In fact, we just had to have someone come get rid of a ground hog....and apparently apossum (Ick). When we moved into the house, we actually had a trellis on the deck, but it was SOOOOOO infested with wood bees, we tore it down. It took care of quite a few of them, but they still. keep. coming. back. :(  Also, the screws in the deck are sticking up, and I am so afraid that someone, especially a kid, will end up walking in bare feet and scraping themselves on them. We're getting a few estimates to see if it's really feasible or not.....keeping my fingers crossed it is.

The other project we started is the baby room for our baby girl! Yesterday, Owen and I started painting the room. Now, I was painting with a 3.5 yr old, so we got very little done, and what we did get done REALLY needs some more time and paint, LOL. But, it feels good to have some of the new color up on the wall. It's going to be purple with a checkered pattern on the wall behind the crib that consists of blue and rose pink, and purple. With a blue and rose pink strip going across the other walls. I'm positive that the vision I have in my head is probably more spectacular than what the room will actually end up looking like, but it's always the thought that counts, right? :) Needless to say though, I will have to work on the room at some point without Owen, or we'll be lucky to get it done before she gets here.....whenever that may be. I had promised him he would get a chance to paint though, and I wanted to make sure he really got a chance. I didn't get any pics yet though of him doing it, so I'll have to let him paint at least one more time. I also want to use his footprints to make butterflies in the room. Not a ton, but a few. I think it will be cute that way:)

On Friday night, I was trying to tape the room up for painting, and talk to Andy about my "great" plans. Owen wanted to "help" so he said, "I'm going to go get some tools." He came back with his hammer, and was going to start hammering the walls. Andy said, "No Owen, don't hit my walls. I'll go get you something else to hammer." Andy came back with a toy nail. Owen then took the nail in his left hand, put it against the wall, and cocked his right arm back ready to swing. Of course, Andy jumped in, "No Owen, don't do that. What do you think you're doing?" Owen, very calmly and non-chalantly said, "Trying to put a hole in the wall." His facial expression was so matter-of-fact and his tone was like, "Duh, dad, what else did you think I was going to do?" I cracked up. In fact, we had sat down to watch a movie, and in the middle of the movie, I started remembering it, and cracked up to the point of tears for a good 15 mins. I think if it's true you lose weight when you laugh, I had to have lost a good 5 lbs just from that laughing fit.......a girl can hope, right, LOL:) 

We heard from our consultant that they are actively looking for a match for us now, so I'm REALLY hoping we get matched soon. I ask that you continue to pray for us and our little girl to be. We also continue to pray for all of the families stuck in process in Russia, and many other countries, even the US. That these families can be united.

You're my Best Friend:)

So this is not adoption related, but it is about my baby boy, who is no longer really a baby, but I can't stop calling him that, LOL. Last Friday, we were packing up to head to my parents for the weekend. I needed to run to the store to look at some dehumidifiers, which they didn't really have at the store I went to. But, on the way back, I was just trying to get home as fast as possible, and took a different way thinking it would be. WRONG! I forgot that in our city on Fridays, they have special activities downtown, and I ran right smack in to the traffic and congestion. So, I was trying to find alternate ways to go and just was frustrated, as I'm always anxious to get on the road anyway, so I said something I shouldn't have, "I just want to get freakin' home!" (I was kind of whiny and it was not one of my better moments). Anyway, my 3.5 year old who is finding it hilarious to copy everything I say right now piped up with the same sentence. It was my "smack hand to head moment" of D'oh. So I quickly told him that I was bad to say what I said, and that I would get a time out for it when I got home, so he should not say that.

Owen's response was not what I expected. Usually when I put his daddy in a time out (yes I have done that before to show more to Owen that it is not okay to do certain things such as throw balls in my house.) Usually, Owen says, yeah daddy, time out! Well, his response to me was, "No mommy, you can't have a time out, because you're my best friend!" Boy, does he know how to make you smile or what? Not only did I NOT have to sit in time out (LOL), but my 3 year old called me his best friend for the first time, before he ever said it to his dad, so I got to go home and brag about it to Andy, LOL:)  I did feel kind of bad for Andy, but I know soon enough Andy will be number 1 for Owen, because he's daddy, and no one can top daddy, LOL:)

Well, we made it to my parents house, after 11:00 pm, and Owen did NOT sleep at all on the way there. His sleep was very thrown off this past weekend. he took a good nap Saturday, but again, he didn't get to bed until late Saturday night. Then, he only slept an hour on the way home Sunday because it rained really hard and loud on the way back. Luckily, he slept good last night, and (knocking on wood), he is sleeping well tonight so far too. Although, he did get up about 15 mins after we layed him down tonight. I heard him say something and the covers rustling, so I knew he was making his move. Click, there went the door, and I went to him, picked him up and hugged him, and he said, "I want to snuggle with you." He said it so sad and cute, it was all I could do not to lay down with him for some snuggle time. I mean, how much longer is the snuggle time going to last? But, I had some things to do tonight, so I was good and put him back in his bed and said I would check on him when I went to bed, and if he was still awake, I would snuggle with him.

Sigh. Oh snuggle time, why can't my baby want to do that at other times rather than just when he wants out of his bed.

So the things I had to do before bed did not consist of writing on my blog, but I decided to write tonight anyway. I did order a new card replacement for a credit card, and I ordered a new work out video set- ZUMBA! I have been using the Wave aerobic system for almost 4 years. It has been used sporadically in the past with overtime/work, adoption, and stuff. But this past year to year and half I've been trying to be more focused. I had 3-4 months of solid work out in the fall, until I ended up sick for 3 months. In January, I started getting back on track, and now I've been working out 3-4 times a week, which is REALLY hard with Owen home, but I'm healthier. Well, I need to be able to change up my routines a bit better, since I only have 2 videos that go with my step. I don't want to get too bored with the ones I have, plus, I want to try and use different muscles more. So, Zumba was the next choice. I'm kind of excited about it, but I also really hope that it will help me more too. I have lost a few inches, but it's really only noticeable to me at this point. I'm hoping by having a bigger variety of workouts, it will be even more beneficial.

We're still waiting for a log in date (LID) for our dossier, and then once we get that, we can be matched any time. I'm REALLY praying that it happens soon. Please continue to keep our family in your prayers, as well as all families waiting for their kids and especially all kids waiting for their families.

Dossier done:)

After what seemed like forever, we finally got the last piece of our dossier done today.  Now, we just wait to be matched (I hate saying "referral"). I have started to pick up momentum in plans for baby girl's room, and almost have Owen's curtains done. Hopefully this weekend they will be hanging there. Once I'm done with his curtains, I'll be making baby girl's blanket. I'm really hoping she loves her blanket as much as Owen loves his. It makes me feel good that it's the blanket I made specifically with him in mind:)

So as I handed over our immigration approval to the fed ex person and left the building, I suddenly had an urge to cry. I got to the car and still was teary. I think it was the relief that we finally were done with this portion, and also the feeling of just being ready. But I've also been thinking about a very precious little boy that is being left behind in all of this, and that he would be home right now, getting ready to turn 2 this coming month. I am VERY excited about our daughter, and will be SO THRILLED and AMAZED with the daughter God chooses for us. But part of me is still so very sad about this little boy whom I still consider my son in my heart, who is not going to get to come home. I know that God is working this all out without my knowledge of how, but some days, it's still so hard to let it go and trust. I continue to pray for my patience and acceptance of God's plan. I pray that the guilt I feel over my excitement about our baby girl will continue to dissolve with time. I continue to pray for my little boy that I only saw in pictures, and that he will find his loving family.

I am very happy to be ready for the next step, and continue to hope that maybe before Christmas our daughter can be home.

Our path has changed directons, and our hearts continue to heal, hope, and have faith

So it's been a long time coming this post. In November, we were still so excited and anxiously waiting to know when we would finally travel to meet our new son. Well, we finally received our travel date the the Wednesday prior to Christmas. We were so excited to know when we would finally meet our new son, which would have been on 02/10/13. 

Then, our happiness was knocked down the very next week as the Russian government signed the bill banning all American adoptions. No one knew what this meant for those of us in the process, not our agency, not the US government. We tried to remain hopeful, and continued to look at our son's pictures, praying we would still be able to bring him home. We participated in conference calls with the Department of State, and our hope was slowly diminishing as we heard from them and read news out of Russia. In mid-January, our consultant at our agency finally straight out said to us, you need to determine your other options, you are not going to get through Russia's ban.

What's so unreal about ths situation is, from the moment we were matched, I had this fear that somehing was going to happen and we were going to lose our son. It was a much different feeling than when we were matched with Owen. With Owen, we registered for shower gifts, my friends and family sent out shower invitations, we told everyone about Owen. Two days after we were matched I called our agency to discuss the next step and they said that we would not be given travel dates until at least the end of November. I just felt this hesitation of wanting to share our news with anyone. I even told some friends and family that I just had this bad feeling we were not going to bring our son home. This time, I just know God was preparing me for this turn of events.

Andy and I feel like we have lost our son, and still consider this precious and beautiful child ours. We feel a deep loss. The only comfort we truly have is that we know God is watching over us and our son. Even if we cannot see or hold him, God will be there for him.

We prayed alot about what we should do. We learned more about the Waitng Child program iin China, and we feel God has led us here. Due to just losing a little boy, we decided to request a girl. Though we did have to somewhat "start over" in the process. We have been able to do so relatively quickly, and now are almost to where we will be logged in. Once logged in, we can be matched with our baby girl.

Throughout this process, I have struggled with feelings of guilt and sadness in the midst of wanting to feel excited for our girl. I have done some shopping for girl things, some of which was just to make the situation more real to me. We were so prepared for another boy, I envisioned Owen and our new son playing together, and being the best of friends. It didn't seem real to me at first that now we will have a daughter. I felt sadness when I would see clothes that would fit our new son, or the little brother shirt we had already gotten him. I felt sad when Owen would grow out of a shirt and think about just boxing it up instead of having it ready for his brother.  

I feel guilt, because I will not know what happens to my son. I can only pray that if he cannot be with our family, that he will be given another forever family that will love him as much as we would.  I pray that he will at least know love. I pray for him.

I also pray for our little girl who we do not know yet, and hope that when she learns of our adoption journey, and that it began in a different country, and we had been matched with a little boy, that she will not feel any less loved or any less wanted. Losing our son is out of our control, just as if we would have had a miscarriage. It's all in God's plan, even if it can be difficult and sad on the way to where we are supposed to go, it all works out through His love and guidance.

I have had pangs of guilt each time we get through another step in our China adoption, because with each hurtle overcome (such as new home study, new dossier documents), I feel more and more excitement and anticipation of our little girl. I cannot wait to find out who she is, and to know when we will bring her home. I cannot wait to start buying her clothes and pcituring her and Owen together. I cannot wait to put bows in her hair and see her in girly dresses. I have guilt for the increasing happiness I have for a daughter I have yet to even see or know anything about, when I was so excited for this little boy who embedded himself in my heart just with his pictures. 

The uplifting part of our journey during this adoption process is knowing that we have a little girl who needs us and is waiting for us, just as we need her and are waiting for her. As I've said before, God chose our family. He picked Andy for my spouse, Owen as our first child, and He continues to lead us to our daughter.  God's plan is always more amazing than the plans we could ever imagine for ourselves. The gift of my family shows me that everyday through my husband and my son. My life, even with all the normal drama of life circumstances, could not be more amazing and more of a blessing, and it is only due to God's planning and guidance that I am here.

Please continue to pray for those families that have met their children and are trying to bring them home. I know God is watching over them and I hope they can feel His love and guidance through it. But most importantly, please pray for the children in Russia, and everywhere, who are still waiting for their forever families.

The wait goes on....

We have almost completed all of the paperwork needed for our first trip. Yet, still we have no dates of travel. I'm more and more anxious to get over to Russia to hold our new son. We pray every night for him to be safe and to know that we love him, and that we will be able to get there soon.

We continue to talk to Owen about having a baby brother, but I know he does not totally get it. He does love to look at his picture and knows his name. But, it will not be as real to him until we can bring him home.

Owen is now 33 months old!  I cannot believe that our baby is going to be 3 in 3 months!!!  Owen continues to sprout up, but still is not gaining that much weight. He is now 35" and 26.6 lbs, which is about the same weight he was last month. I think it is because he never stops moving. That makes him so much like his dad! 

I'm curious to see what our new son will weigh when we bring him home, they might be neck and neck in weight....unless he's starting to plateau, which is what Owen did before we brought him home. We'll see...hopefully sooner rather than later.  Please keep our family in your prayers.

Wow! Who knew it had been so long since I posted anything?!  Well, it doesn't help that I was sick for almost 2 months and did not have the energy for a while to do anything. The first 4 weeks were the worst, I had bronchitis (though I really think I had pneumonia and the urgent care nurse practitioner didn't realize it). By week 5 I knew I needed to get into my regular doctors office and I did during week 6, and she gave me a second round of antibiotics and medication. I now think I am fully over it. YAY! 

During those 6-8 weeks, I have been incredibly busy too!!!! I worked OT during that time, which probably didn't help the illness, but it did add to the time off I'll have with baby 2 when he comes home......Oh yeah, that's right, we have another boy!!!!  We received a call 10/05/12 that we were matched with a 16 month old baby boy, with the chubbiest of cheeks:)  We were SOOOOOOOO happy!  We have really been trying to teach Owen about being a big brother. He does ask sometimes what his brother is doing...which is hard to explain to a 2.5 yr old.

Unfortunately, we have no dates yet of when we are traveling to meet this little guy. I'm SOOOOOO anxious to get him in my arms and hear him laugh!  We have been working on putting together more paperwork for our first trip, and trying to just keep focused and busy. But it's really hard not to worry about when we'll get over there.

Owen of course does his best to keep our minds occupied though, LOL!  He continues to be the best source of laughter for us (although I have to say Andy is not too far behind in that, LOL). Owen has been having more "conversations" with us, and still says the funniest things. Like tonight, he and I met my friend and her 2 kids at a nursing home to go trick or treating. I've wanted to take him to do that because when I was a kid, my parents took us and I think it's very beneficial for all involved. While we were on the way there, he talked non stop!  He was pretty good about saying, "trick or treat," "thank you," and "Happy Halloween." every time we made a "stop." Although I do think he was the liveliest kid there (next to his friend Emily;)) They were the life of our group I think;)  We stopped for dinner with them on the way home, and the whole way there he kept saying, "mommy, Emily, Kelli, Dean, and Anthony doing?" "Where are they?" He asked like 50 times, and I finally said, you know what Owen, I'm not going to answer this time, becuase I already told you they are in the car in front of us.  He said, "No mommy, I'm talking to my own self." and then proceeded to ask himself what they were doing. LOL!  I took him potty while we were there, (Oh yeah, we potty trained Owen the first weekend in September too....), and afterwards, he ran out and made sure everyone knew he had peed in the potty.  He likes to announce it every time! HA!

He's done really well with the potty training. After several months of taking him with his diapers, we decided to stop cold turkey and switch right to big boy underpants. It took 4 days, and in just under 2 months, he's only had maybe 3 days with accidents, I think that's awesome:)! 

Well, I'm going to try and do better about posting in the future, but for now, I have got to get some rest. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we continue to wait to meet our new family member and the process to bring him home! 

WAITING! for our next Russian babe!

As of next week, we will be officially registered in Russia. After that, we can receive a referral any time!!!!!!!  I cannot express the relief. I guess the paperwork doesn't seem quite as bad now, LOL!  So my paperwork blues are gone, now it's just the waiting game.

Patience, that is what I have to have as we wait to be matched with our next baby. We're going to try focusing on getting Owen's room done, getting some other things around the house done. Maybe get some items ordered for the new baby, like a car seat, etc.

Mentally preparing myself to take the trips is the other thing I'm working on. I think the idea of leaving Owen here while we travel is the part I need to work on the most. This weekend, he's having his first sleep over with one of his friends at their house. Although the difference is we're not 10 some hours away, it will still feel odd. But, I want him to have the experience a couple times....

We're also looking for a new sitter, which is not going so well. I'm hoping this month it will happen. I just hope Owen is okay with the switch.

I'm trying to gradually change things a little for him before the baby comes. I think he'll be most excited about his new room. I hope anyway, LOL. But, I think once the baby is here, he'll be SUPER excited to be a big brother and to have a play mate. I guess that is one thing about adopting an older infant, they can play right away with their siblings:) 

Please continue to pray for us as we continue our journey. All prayers are much needed and much appreciated. We continue to pray for all other families in process, and for all the babies/kids in Russia that need families. We pray for adoption throughout the world, and hope that more Forever Families are made every day!!!!!

The Paperwork Blues....

I'm sure many of you out there who have adopted know about the "paperwork blues." The feeling like it will never end, the road blocks from places you need them from, the desire to say "We're done!"  Some of the paperwork has been easier the 2nd time around, don't get me wrong. BUT, the same old road blocks seem to be there.

Examples of the frustration:
Andy's Work verfication letter.
It took many emails/calls, and Andy finally got his FIRST letter done after a MONTH of waiting on it. Turns out, his was incorrectly done, because apparently, they have no idea how to get something notarized. THEN< in my amazement, they turn around and get the letter corrected within a week, (Prior to Jen's 2nd one being done. What is up with that?!?)

Jenny's work verification letter. (Let's just say, these 2 things are not boading well for the HR community)
Usually, it takes my HR department FOREVER to get things right. So I was shocked when I received the letter back, within a week, and done to my specifications (and before Andy got his). (Which was basically done just like our last one in terms of content), but needed a notary. I tell my agency over the phone what it's like, they say it's fine. However, once they see the actual scanned copy- no, it's all wrong. So I think, okay, in a week, I'll have the right one. NO!!!!!!!!!!! This time, it takes 4 f/us emails, 1 f/u phone call, and an email to the HR person's BOSS to get back the corrected letter after a MONTH of waiting for it!!!!!!!!!!!! And it was literally, the LAST thing we were waiting on.

Wait list documents
It took 2 weeks to get these from the agency! It only took us 2 days to complete them. That is at least 12 extra days that were unnecessary!!!!!!! 

License letter from Home study agency- STILL Waiting on it and  not going to get it for at least 2 more weeks because the person has taken the longest vacation known to man, and apparently NO ONE else i the licensing office can handle putting it together. URG!

So I take the documents we have today down to get them verified and apostilled, because we should be able to register with the ones we have on file. I had been VERY careful in explaining the requirements for the notaries every where we had to have them done. Apparently, my HR person is extremely bad, because she did NOT pay attention to the fact that the notary had to be registered in our county. THEREFORE- I have to have it done a 3RD time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Believe you me, I am going in there and raising hell, because I'm not waiting a MONTH to get it back this time.

I call the agency, and am told, it's okay, we can still register without the work verification letter. OK! That makes me feel less bad, but I'm still fuming mad at the situation none the less. Next, I pick up our certified copy of the deed. No problem.   I'm okay, it's only been almost 2 hours since I started the process of getting the verifications done.  I get to the Secretary of State office. They relunctantly take my 79 documents (yes, that is the number I had, not counting the 3 outstanding that we can register without)........I sit to wait patiently (mostly because the woman acted like it was going to take her the rest of the day, and it was only ten til 3 pm. - they are open until 5). After about 10 mins the lady re-appears, and  think, wow that was fast. Uh- NO. she proceeds to tell me that they cannot apostil the deed becuase it was a deputy recorder, and not the county recorder herself that completed the certificaton. HELLO! I KNOW I am not the only person in my county that is and has adopted from Russia. WHY can't they get their crap together!!!!!!

NOw, what amazed me was, the woman acted like she was NOT going to finish my other documents! I had to tell her that I still wanted her to do the other documents while I went back to the other office to get the right certified copy. She AGAIN acted put out. At this point, I SERIOUSLY was about 5 seconds away from tears! I had just put enough money in the meter to sit there 1.5 hours and had to go re-pay for the parking garage I literally had left about 20 mins prior. I go back up to the office, and the deputy recorder who signed my document says he can't help me, and takes me to his boss. I proceed to explain to him what I need, and he begins to turn into a big, pompous jerk. Again, I could cry at any moment. URG. I tell the guy, I'm not arguing that they gave me a certified copy; HOWEVER< the s. of s. office WILL NOT apostil it, and it is not in my control. He says the best he can do is to notarize them. But, he will have to re-issue (re-charge me) for the ones I LITERALLY JUST picked up, because they left the office, so they cannot consider them valid. I asked him when they would be done, and he basically yelled several times, "Not today, not today." and would not give me a straight answer. Now, I knew that if I opened my mouth to comment on his rudeness, that A) I would end up crying. and B) they might have to escort me out of the office. Therefore, I took his name and number, and believe you me, I will be calling tomorrow to find out the status, and I WILL ask to speak to his supervisor.

I got down town about 1:10 today, and didn't get to pick Owen up until 5:10. I am exhausted, worn out, and really just want to cry. I think we can still send the documents we have to get registered, but now we still have these additional outstanding documents, which apparently are going to continue to be pains in my rear. i need lots of prayers. i also think I could use lots of chocolate, well emotionally rather than physically, anyway, LOL!  I'm just so anxious to keep the papers moving and to get closer to bringing our next baby home.  I still do not think it's fair that even HERE in the US where everything is "so much better." That people still put adoptive parents through so much crap. Especially people like that deputy recorder.  I just want to look at them and be like- HELLO you're getting paid to do this job, WITH MY MONEY, and I'm just trying to bring my baby home, get over it and just help me!!!!!!

We'll see what tomorrow brings. (be lucky i didn't go into all of my frustrations we've had with paperwork and the agency, etc, or you'd be reading this for a long time. That is if you didn't already stop reading it.)

2.5 years old!

Tomorrow, my baby will be 2.5 yrs old. I cannot believe it. He is ornery as ever, never stops talking, and is as loveable as could be. Right now, he is waiting to watch daddy mow the grass. He has not gotten to do this for about 2 months since we have had very little rain and the grass wasn't growing. That has been a disappointment for both Owen and Andy!  Andy loves knowing that Owen is obsessed with watching and waving at him, and getting to wave back. Andy said he'll miss it once Owen tires of it. Of course by the time Owen is old enough to mow the grass he won't want to, LOL!

We have been gathering our supplies to work on Owen's "Mickey Room." I'm trying to get Owen really excited about his new room, so he'll be good with the swtich. So far we have picked out curtains, bedspread, and paint. I have the decals picked out, but have to order them. I also need to order the bed rails. Owen moves so much in his sleep I know he'll need those.  We're going to let him "help" put the room together, and then kind of transition him starting with naps. Although I have a feeling he's going to want to be in there at night pretty soon after that.

I am wondering if Owen will miss the Snoopy room, but I think he will be okay.  We are also looking into a new sitter. We have an interview with one this Wednesday. She sounds promising on the phone, so we'll see.  I think Owen will miss his old sitter, but I think he will adjust okay. Especially if we spend a little time over there before he totally switches places. I'm really hoping we help him adjust well to all of the changes that are coming. I'm hoping that if we do everything casually and slowly. rather than rushed, we'll be okay.  Changes always affect each kid different, so we'll see! Keep your fingers crossed for us that all goes smoothly:)

Owen is 29 months:)

Owen turned 29 months on 6/30/12. (Which happened to be my grandparent's 54th wedding anniversary:)) Things he says are really starting to be funny, even the "talking back" he sometimes tries to do. Although, that won't seem so funny once he's a little older....

He will wag his finger at me and say, "Stop mommy, stop." If I say something like, "Owen don't mess with that." He'll look at me and say, "I didn't mommy, I didn't."  Owen will ask a question, or ask for something, and I'll respond, "I'm getting it, or not right now." Then he'll say, "Okay!" in an exasperated sound. Seriously, when did kids start acting so much older when they are so much younger?

I will say however, that he is pretty well behaved.  We have our days when he throws more tantrums, or is into EVERYTHING. But, he is only 29 months and that is normal. He knows where things go and puts them there, like his shoes. He knows where books go and his blocks, and though we have to keep reminding him to put things away, he does do it, and he is only 29 months. We are very lucky to have such an adorable, cute, and well behaved kid.

The other day, we went by church, which he constantly remembers we tripped at like a month ago. Then have her say, "trip mommy?" I say, yes. Then he says, "I want to go to church." I know right now, he probably doesn't mean those words, but I'm hoping that he will grow up enjoying church and still "wanting" to go.

On July 4th, Owen started being able to pedal his tricycle on his own:)  He was so happy to do it. If this heat ever let up, we could go outside long enough for him to try and take a "walk" on his bike. We even got him his first helmet, which he LOVES to wear when he's no on his bike, LOL:)

Today, we went and picked out Mickey Mouse fabric for his new room. We are going to move him into it in the next few months. Once we finish our dossier for the current adoption (which we are close to doing:)), we are going to start really putting his room together. Then, once we are matched with our next little one, we're going to transition him to his new room. We're trying to give him time to adjust to some changes at home prior to the new little one's entrance. Hopefully, this will cut down on any jealousy or feeling of being left out. We're going to let him "help" put the room together and I want to make a big deal out of it for him. I am hoping he really likes it:) 

It's pretty amazing thinking that in the next year, or less, we will have another little McMullin running around the house. I cannot wait to see Owen in the rule of big brother. He amazes me already as my son, so I know he'll be awesome as a big brother:)

Our second journey to adoption

As I've mentioned before, we have struggled with infertility for just shy of 5 years. I pray about it all the time, but I know that if God had answered my prayers the first time, we wouldn't have Owen. And that would be a far worse fate!!!!!! I just ended taking any kind of treatment for infertility. (Which consisted of hormonal therapy) It wasn't helping with the irregular cycles anyway, and my doctor had stopped reviewing my chart, so I had a feeling he wasn't really confident that he could do anything else for me.  Therefore, it seemed it was time to just let go of the treatments for a while. It hit me hard ending them, because I still pray that maybe someday God will think it's the right time for us to have a bio babe as well our adopted babes.

I might eventually try to get re-evaluted or get a second opinion about my irregular cycles. But, for right now, we are focusing on our next adoption. I know in my heart God has at least one other baby waiting for us to bring him/her home. This second babe is also in Russia, and I know that the infertility is a blessing, because our lives couldn't be whole without Owen or the next baby that God has planned for us.

I may never know the gift of life the same way as other mothers, but I have to remind myself, that the best thing you can want for another person is a relationship with God. My prayers, my husband's prayers, our family and friend's prayers, are what is nurturing and feeding our baby in Russia, just as they did with Owen. Our bond did not start through an umbilical cord, but rather through our hearts. Our baby is being physically fed by care takers right now, but our prayers are going to my baby's heart where God is his/her center. I know our prayers are being answered, because we've already gotten to experience this joy with Owen. So, as I end my post tonight, I ask everyone to continue praying for our family, especially for the little one we hope to soon welcome home. I know that my baby feels these prayers and love, because I can feel his/hers in my heart. 

28 months and 16 months home.

My baby turned 28 months 5/30/12. Tomorrow, 06/08/12 marks Owen being home 14 months. I cannot believe how much he continues to grow and amaze me. He continues to increase his talking. His singing is getting better in terms of singing along with songs. I just love the fact that he LOVES Raffi, since that is a kids singer that I grew up with and loved. Up until a couple of months ago, he preferred these other CDs of kids songs, but now he ALWAYS wants Raffi on in the car. Luckily, kid music is still okay for me to sing along with too;)

Tonight, after we played outside for a little bit, Owen and I sat on the glider on our back deck, and we sang part of a Raffi song together while we glided. Now, that only lasted for a minute, but it still was nice. Of course he is SUPER energetic and has to constantly moving (alot like his dad actually), so i wasn't surprised that we didn't sit there longer.

He's so much better with listening/reading books now, that it's fun to see what book he's "in the mood" for at bedtime. He likes to read a lot, and for that I'm glad. I love to read, and find it so valuable as a hobby, because it keeps your mind sharper than being a TV junky. Plus, if he becomes a reader like me, He'll love diving into the stories.

27 months!

My baby is now 27 months old!  It's hard to believe how fast he is growing. He is always on the go, and getting into more and more trouble!  Even the sitter commented on how much more ornary Owen has been the last few weeks!  He can get into so much trouble, but be so cute doing it.

He still impresses me with his talking and how everyday, it feels like more and more words he's saying correctly. He's been saying the sign of the cross and repeating parts of prayers when we do them. I just wish he would do it more in front of other people so they don't think we're making it up, LOL!  He's even been trying to sing more. At church last week, we sang a song called rain down. He tried to sing this....with a full mouth of goldfish crackers. It was kind of cute, though I just hoped he didn't spray anyone with food.  Then, he did try to say the "Our Father" during church, but the loudest word he said was "evil" which he proceeded to say in a very "evil" fashion, LOL!  That one actually made me bust with laughter, to where I had to put myself in check that I was behaving.

I just came back down from rocking Owen, he woke up crying. While I held him, I started to wollow in my own pond of self pity. I was thinking how much I wished that I had helped create this little butterball of perfection- ornaryness and cuteness all wrapped into one. How I didn't get to carry this precious gift in my womb, to hear his heartbeat for the first time, feel his kick and to be the first to hold him.

But then I started thinking, I didn't get to do those things, but I did get to bring this precious boy home. I get to call him my son, and to plant kisses all over the cutest face, and to share my faith with him. I am not the one who had to say goodbye, but the lucky one who got to say hello! I am the one who gets to read him the bed time stories, rock him to sleep, cuddle him when he has bad dreams. I get to see him grow in every other way.

I get to love him forever, because as long as I'm living, my baby he'll be!