Our path has changed directons, and our hearts continue to heal, hope, and have faith

So it's been a long time coming this post. In November, we were still so excited and anxiously waiting to know when we would finally travel to meet our new son. Well, we finally received our travel date the the Wednesday prior to Christmas. We were so excited to know when we would finally meet our new son, which would have been on 02/10/13. 

Then, our happiness was knocked down the very next week as the Russian government signed the bill banning all American adoptions. No one knew what this meant for those of us in the process, not our agency, not the US government. We tried to remain hopeful, and continued to look at our son's pictures, praying we would still be able to bring him home. We participated in conference calls with the Department of State, and our hope was slowly diminishing as we heard from them and read news out of Russia. In mid-January, our consultant at our agency finally straight out said to us, you need to determine your other options, you are not going to get through Russia's ban.

What's so unreal about ths situation is, from the moment we were matched, I had this fear that somehing was going to happen and we were going to lose our son. It was a much different feeling than when we were matched with Owen. With Owen, we registered for shower gifts, my friends and family sent out shower invitations, we told everyone about Owen. Two days after we were matched I called our agency to discuss the next step and they said that we would not be given travel dates until at least the end of November. I just felt this hesitation of wanting to share our news with anyone. I even told some friends and family that I just had this bad feeling we were not going to bring our son home. This time, I just know God was preparing me for this turn of events.

Andy and I feel like we have lost our son, and still consider this precious and beautiful child ours. We feel a deep loss. The only comfort we truly have is that we know God is watching over us and our son. Even if we cannot see or hold him, God will be there for him.

We prayed alot about what we should do. We learned more about the Waitng Child program iin China, and we feel God has led us here. Due to just losing a little boy, we decided to request a girl. Though we did have to somewhat "start over" in the process. We have been able to do so relatively quickly, and now are almost to where we will be logged in. Once logged in, we can be matched with our baby girl.

Throughout this process, I have struggled with feelings of guilt and sadness in the midst of wanting to feel excited for our girl. I have done some shopping for girl things, some of which was just to make the situation more real to me. We were so prepared for another boy, I envisioned Owen and our new son playing together, and being the best of friends. It didn't seem real to me at first that now we will have a daughter. I felt sadness when I would see clothes that would fit our new son, or the little brother shirt we had already gotten him. I felt sad when Owen would grow out of a shirt and think about just boxing it up instead of having it ready for his brother.  

I feel guilt, because I will not know what happens to my son. I can only pray that if he cannot be with our family, that he will be given another forever family that will love him as much as we would.  I pray that he will at least know love. I pray for him.

I also pray for our little girl who we do not know yet, and hope that when she learns of our adoption journey, and that it began in a different country, and we had been matched with a little boy, that she will not feel any less loved or any less wanted. Losing our son is out of our control, just as if we would have had a miscarriage. It's all in God's plan, even if it can be difficult and sad on the way to where we are supposed to go, it all works out through His love and guidance.

I have had pangs of guilt each time we get through another step in our China adoption, because with each hurtle overcome (such as new home study, new dossier documents), I feel more and more excitement and anticipation of our little girl. I cannot wait to find out who she is, and to know when we will bring her home. I cannot wait to start buying her clothes and pcituring her and Owen together. I cannot wait to put bows in her hair and see her in girly dresses. I have guilt for the increasing happiness I have for a daughter I have yet to even see or know anything about, when I was so excited for this little boy who embedded himself in my heart just with his pictures. 

The uplifting part of our journey during this adoption process is knowing that we have a little girl who needs us and is waiting for us, just as we need her and are waiting for her. As I've said before, God chose our family. He picked Andy for my spouse, Owen as our first child, and He continues to lead us to our daughter.  God's plan is always more amazing than the plans we could ever imagine for ourselves. The gift of my family shows me that everyday through my husband and my son. My life, even with all the normal drama of life circumstances, could not be more amazing and more of a blessing, and it is only due to God's planning and guidance that I am here.

Please continue to pray for those families that have met their children and are trying to bring them home. I know God is watching over them and I hope they can feel His love and guidance through it. But most importantly, please pray for the children in Russia, and everywhere, who are still waiting for their forever families.