About Me

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My name is Jenny, and I am married to my wonderful husband Andy. We are the proud parents of Owen Daniil, who we adopted from Russia. Our Gotcha Day was 02/08/2011. Our family is a true gift, and we feel very blessed that God chose each one of us as members. I am not good at blogging, I'm just starting out and getting used to it. However, I am hoping to share some stories about our family. Welcome to my crazy, but wonderful, life!

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Feeling down....feel free to skim, it's a long one.......

Okay, so I have been feeling kind of sad this week, mainly because the wait during an adoption sucks. Sometimes I feel okay about it, and focus on praying hard for patience. Then other times, I feel like I'm panicky inside, wondering how long this is going to take, and what if it ends up being 18 months. I feel all like, heart racing, and just get this, feeling outside of myself feeling.  I know that I will come out of this feeling, and it kind of comes and goes in spurts. This week, we got her room part way done, which is exciting, but not at the same time.

Why not? Before we started re-doing it made me sad because we weren't having a little boy join our family, and because Owen is growing up (which is also good and I love him in this stage, but I miss that little baby that only stayed little for what seemed like a min. ) and him not being in that room reminds of this. So I had been anxious to get it changed. Now though, the room will sit empty again, waiting on our baby girl who we don't know. I know, I'm pathetic, because either way I look at it, I was sad about it. I will say that I am happier with how the room is turning out that I was when we first started painting, and it seemed so.....Purple. (Which is absolutely funny, because my favorite color is purple.)

The other reason I've been feeling sad, and this has been for the last month, is because I still struggle with the feelings of infertility and the irregular cycles I have. 2.5 months ago, I found a supplement online that could help with hormone levels, so I decided to try it. I actually felt confident that it could help me with my cycles, and that I would be able to get pregnant on it. Ha! Why do I set myself up for disappointment. The first month, my cycle was actually a bit better. However, month 2 was not. I'm on month 3, and I still can't tell a real difference, but I don't know. 

I know that when you choose to adopt they want you to be "reconciled" with the idea of being infertile. I DO NOT understand how they think you can have those feelings resolved fully. I still struggle when others get pregnant, I still struggle seeing newborns, I still struggle with the fact that I'm missing out on years of my children's lives and not knowing what is happening to them when they are not with me while all others have to do is touch their stomach to feel their child kick.  

Tonight at mass, I was trying to get Owen to fold his hands and say some prayers after communion. I tell Owen we go to mass to thank God for making our family and bringing us together. We always say a prayer for his sister. Tonight, I said, we ask God to watch over her until she comes home. He said, why. I said, because God is the one who can see her and be with her while we can’t. At that point, he turned around and said, why, I want a baby like one, and turned and pointed to a little baby who looked like she was going to be baptized after mass. I know that is an innocent statement from a 3 year old, and I was not upset with him. However, it is another reminder that I will not have my children home that young.

I have a monthly reminder that I'm infertile. I have menstrual issues way more than just infertility, that no one can seem to fix. I know that this is TMI, but I don't think people realize that when you're infertile, there can be way more going on than you just can't conceive a child. There are health issues involved with infertility, and because you face them all the time, the feelings of infertility can’t just vanish. So I keep praying, and I keep praying, and I keep praying to get past these feelings.

I cannot say that infertility is just a burden, because it is not. If I was not infertile, I would not have my son. Owen is so amazing, and so much my child. I thank God every day that he led us to Owen. I cannot imagine our life without him, and I know that the same will be true of our baby girl once she is home. Sometimes, it is easy to forget that I didn’t carry him in my womb, or that I missed his first year. However, it’s mostly when we’re just together as a family. At work and other places, it is harder to forget what I missed out on with him. And now I’m wondering how much I’m missing out on in Hailey’s life, and how old she will be when she comes home. We were really so very lucky getting to meet Owen at 9 months, and to bring him home at 12 months.

I keep trying to remind myself that without infertility, we would not be the family that we are. I would not be the woman that I am, and I would not be as aware of the plight of orphans who need people to be their voice. I know that this is why God has led us in this direction, and I know we are so blessed, in so many ways. I feel ungrateful having the feelings I have. I feel like by having them, my family, specifically my children, will not know how much I truly and absolutely love them and need them in my life. That God KNEW I needed them, and He brought us together because He knew who our family needed to be.

I think I’ve rambled enough. I think I just needed to vent a little and to talk out some of my feelings. I know that they will pass. I know that God is riding the feelings with me; I just need to listen to Him and feel Him with me. I love my family, and honestly, I’m so thankful to be where we are at and to have Owen. Adoption is SUCH a blessing, and not just for the children. I don’t even want to think about how it would feel not to have Owen. I know part of my feelings are also due to the long wait for our daughter. Prayer is the only true answer to everything, and I just need to continue to pray.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Somewhere out there.....

Ever since the Russian ban was put into effect and we realized that we would not be bringing our little boy home, I have been watching the Russian database to see if they changed or updated his photo, so I could keep "tabs" on him in whatever way I could. Well, Saturday night, Andy and I decided to check the database, and our little guy's picture was gone. We are PRAYING really hard that this is a good thing, and that it means he has been adopted.  It feels strange not knowing, and it makes us not being able to adopt him even more real, which is odd since we know we could not.  Now though, we really don't know where he is. We hope that somewhere out there, he is now with his forever family and being given the love that he deserves and that we were hoping to share with him. He will always be in our heart and always will be the son we never got to meet, but now we have more hope for him and his future.

We worked more on our daughter's room yesterday, and the painting is almost done. We have the pink and blue done. Now we just have to touch up the purple. We should be able to have all the decorations and everything up within the next week or two. Depending on the time and everything else we have going on. We were informed a couple weeks ago that there is a 6 - 12 month wait on being matched with a girl under 2. This was not the original time frame we were given. We were originally told we could be matched within 3-4 months. We were also told that it is likely we would not travel to pick our daughter up until 4-6 months after we are matched.

So, finishing up her room is good, but just reminds me that it will be sitting empty that much longer. I am not good with the wait. I'm anxious. All I think about is who she is, how old she is, what she looks like, what conditions she'll have, what will we need to do to make sure everything is ready for her, including medical appointments, possible surgeries.

We started this adoption process 5/2012. We've gone through heart ache, had to re-do our home study, re-do our dossier, and mentally and emotionally change the direction our lives were going.
I keep thinking bout how long it is taking, and how we would love to have 4 kids, and how this process of adoption seems to be getting harder and taking longer. I have been praying that we would bring our girl home by Christmas and we know that this cannot happen at this point. My heart aches to know and hold and have this little girl home with us. I watch Owen and am so anxious for him to have his sister here.

I am praying for patience. As my family will attest, I come from a long line of control freaks (though my mother might deny it, LOL). I am praying very hard to give over my need for control and trust in God and his timing. To know that He has a plan and it is always better than what we can have planned for ourselves.

I ask my friends and family to continue to pray for a little boy that we hold dear in our hearts, for a daughter we hope to soon hold in our arms, and for all the children everywhere that need families. Somewhere out there are families just waiting to be united.