Why not? Before we started re-doing it made me sad because we weren't having a little boy join our family, and because Owen is growing up (which is also good and I love him in this stage, but I miss that little baby that only stayed little for what seemed like a min. ) and him not being in that room reminds of this. So I had been anxious to get it changed. Now though, the room will sit empty again, waiting on our baby girl who we don't know. I know, I'm pathetic, because either way I look at it, I was sad about it. I will say that I am happier with how the room is turning out that I was when we first started painting, and it seemed so.....Purple. (Which is absolutely funny, because my favorite color is purple.)
The other reason I've been feeling sad, and this has been for the last month, is because I still struggle with the feelings of infertility and the irregular cycles I have. 2.5 months ago, I found a supplement online that could help with hormone levels, so I decided to try it. I actually felt confident that it could help me with my cycles, and that I would be able to get pregnant on it. Ha! Why do I set myself up for disappointment. The first month, my cycle was actually a bit better. However, month 2 was not. I'm on month 3, and I still can't tell a real difference, but I don't know.
I know that when you choose to adopt they want you to be "reconciled" with the idea of being infertile. I DO NOT understand how they think you can have those feelings resolved fully. I still struggle when others get pregnant, I still struggle seeing newborns, I still struggle with the fact that I'm missing out on years of my children's lives and not knowing what is happening to them when they are not with me while all others have to do is touch their stomach to feel their child kick.
Tonight at mass, I was trying to get Owen to fold his hands and say some prayers after communion. I tell Owen we go to mass to thank God for making our family and bringing us together. We always say a prayer for his sister. Tonight, I said, we ask God to watch over her until she comes home. He said, why. I said, because God is the one who can see her and be with her while we can’t. At that point, he turned around and said, why, I want a baby like one, and turned and pointed to a little baby who looked like she was going to be baptized after mass. I know that is an innocent statement from a 3 year old, and I was not upset with him. However, it is another reminder that I will not have my children home that young.
I have a monthly reminder that I'm infertile. I have menstrual issues way more than just infertility, that no one can seem to fix. I know that this is TMI, but I don't think people realize that when you're infertile, there can be way more going on than you just can't conceive a child. There are health issues involved with infertility, and because you face them all the time, the feelings of infertility can’t just vanish. So I keep praying, and I keep praying, and I keep praying to get past these feelings.
I cannot say that infertility is just a burden, because it is not. If I was not infertile, I would not have my son. Owen is so amazing, and so much my child. I thank God every day that he led us to Owen. I cannot imagine our life without him, and I know that the same will be true of our baby girl once she is home. Sometimes, it is easy to forget that I didn’t carry him in my womb, or that I missed his first year. However, it’s mostly when we’re just together as a family. At work and other places, it is harder to forget what I missed out on with him. And now I’m wondering how much I’m missing out on in Hailey’s life, and how old she will be when she comes home. We were really so very lucky getting to meet Owen at 9 months, and to bring him home at 12 months.
I keep trying to remind myself that without infertility, we would not be the family that we are. I would not be the woman that I am, and I would not be as aware of the plight of orphans who need people to be their voice. I know that this is why God has led us in this direction, and I know we are so blessed, in so many ways. I feel ungrateful having the feelings I have. I feel like by having them, my family, specifically my children, will not know how much I truly and absolutely love them and need them in my life. That God KNEW I needed them, and He brought us together because He knew who our family needed to be.
I think I’ve rambled enough. I think I just needed to vent a little and to talk out some of my feelings. I know that they will pass. I know that God is riding the feelings with me; I just need to listen to Him and feel Him with me. I love my family, and honestly, I’m so thankful to be where we are at and to have Owen. Adoption is SUCH a blessing, and not just for the children. I don’t even want to think about how it would feel not to have Owen. I know part of my feelings are also due to the long wait for our daughter. Prayer is the only true answer to everything, and I just need to continue to pray.
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