All I want for Christmas- 海利 (Hailey)

I have been up since before six due to cramps. I tried to go back to sleep, and it was a no go. Partly because of the pain, and partly because I had Andy and Owen both snoring, the wind blowing extremely loud and heavy, and I couldn't stop thinking. And so here I am.

Last year at this time, we had just been given travel dates to meet our other "son" in Russia, and then our dream of being his parents disappeared within less than a week when the law was being signed to ban adoptions. We would have had him home by the summer, and he would be here with us celebrating and joining in the Christmas joy.  This has remained in the back of my mind as we continued through advent and entering Christmas.

Despite knowing we are less one child than we thought we'd be, this Christmas season has still been good. The past few week I have enjoyed watching Owen LOVE Christmas and be so into decorating and getting ready for Christmas. He's even learning Christmas songs, and I LOVE listening to him sing them. I cannot wait for him to open his gifts and see him so excited and having fun with them. I couldn't imagine Christmas without his joy!

The only thing that could make Christmas better is knowing who our daughter is, seeing her face, and knowing we would soon be holding her. It has been almost a year since we switched over to the china program, and almost 2 years since we began discussing our next adoption. All I want for Christmas is Hailey, to see her beautiful face, her eyes, her hands, to know that we will soon have our family together. I think I'm asking for a Christmas miracle since Christmas is 3 days away, and I'm not so sure I've been a good enough "girl" this year to deserve that miracle.

I keep trying to stay positive about it, and to be patient and know that I need to get past my controlling nature and believe. But part of me is having problems being positive. Part of me is worried that my request for a Christmas miracle won’t happen until next Christmas. I was not ready for this long of a wait. I was not prepared for my heart to feel this missing piece for so long.

After feeling all sorry for myself, then I started to think how pathetic my sadness really is, because these kids that I see in orphanages are the ones who’s Christmas miracle really needs to happen. They need so much more than I do, and I need to focus on praying for them and that they get what they need, including the little boy we wanted so badly to be home with us last year. So that is what I’m going to try and concentrate on is praying that all these kids find the love they deserve. So while all I thought I wanted for Christmas was Hailey, I now realize I really want all orphans home for Christmas, and no matter how many Christmas we have to go through for these miracles to happen, I need to keep praying for them to come true.

Please pray with me this Christmas for all of these children find their families soon.

 

An example of fun conversations with Owen.

Owen and I played with his castle and nights tonight. Then I said, I think I need a check up I don't feel so good. Think you can give me a check up?

Owen: Yeah, I'll fix you up. Let me listen to your heart. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in. Let me give you a shot. It's going to pinch. Did that hurt?

Me: Just a little.

Owen: K. Let me look in your mouth. You're sick! I better give you some medicine. Let me check your temperature. (He looks at the thermometer) 80 degrees!

Me: that's not good, is it?

Owen: No!

Me: You have a good bedside manner.

Owen: Thanks patient.

Me: Did you check out my ears yet?

Owen: I’m just doing that now. You have a lot of gunk in your ears!

Me: How are you going to get it out?

Owen: With my finger.

Me: Oh, that’s kind of gross. (Owen’s laughing). Is that what mommy does?

Owen: No! (laughing).  Sit up please so I can check your blood pressure.

Me: Awe, I was hoping to lay down.

Owen: You can lay down after I check your blood pressure. Patient, can you put the blood pressure on please. (I dutifully put the cuff on my arm). Thanks Patient. (He pumps it up) 39 O’Clock! Looks good.

Me: Great!  ( I was allowed to lay back down)

Owen: (Picks up the instrument that is a cross between an Otoscope and the little hammer doctors have) I’m going to bam your legs, cause that will make you feel better.

Me: Do you mean you’re going to check my reflexes?? (Hoping he really doesn’t want to bam my legs).

Owen: (matter of factly) Yeah.  (However, he –obviously- has no clue what a reflex was, so he really pretty much meant bamming my legs). Bam. (Yeah, ouch.).

 

Daddy finally came in from work (late), and Owen played more with him, giving him a check up too.

 

Dad: Owen you want to give me a flu shot?

Owen: Don’t call me Owen, call me Owen Doctor.

Dad: How about I call you Doctor M. ?

Owen: yeah!

 

I then had to call for him if I “needed” him, LOL.  Doctor McMullin, Doctor McMullin! LOL. I’m sure I didn’t totally capture the entirety of his cuteness in this, but he was very funny. Gotta love himJ

No news....................................Waiting is the hardest part.

This past Saturday, 10/05, marked 1 year since we had been matched with a baby boy in Russia. I can't believe that a year has gone by already. We had been so ready to bring our next child home.  Now we continue to pray that God has given this little boy another family.

Now we wait in month 4 since our dossier has been in China for a little girl that we know God has waiting for us. Patience is not my forte.  So I'm just trying not to pull my hair out, or go loopy.

Owen tries to keep me busy so I can keep my mind off the wait, though I know he doesn't realize he's doing that, LOL. I really wish I could carry around a recorder with me all day with him so I could tell everyone all of our conversations, or his rationalizations, or his singing!

Today, he rationalized that he could do something that an adult does because he's wearing a football jersey.....um, yeah, HA!  Some how wearing that jersey makes him bigger and stronger, hee hee. Another time this week, I sang the "I love you Owen." To the tune of the bye-bye birdy song. Then he said, "it's my turn mom to sing to you." Oh it was funny. It wen something like, "I love you mommy, yes I do.  A bushel and a peck. Love you, cause I don't like you, I mean I like you, and I love you......a bushel and a peck."

Typically it takes Owen a little while to get a sentence out too. "Mom, you know, I .....you know I....Mom, you know I....I like to play football and.......and......and I....and I am good at it.....cause.....cause....cause I'm big and strong........."

Tonight, we met up with our friend Kelli and her 2 kids Anthony and Emily to get their pics done together in their Halloween costumes. Boy was that crazy!  Emily was very good and tried to get her pics done, but Owen started out all crying and pouty and not wanting to participate, and Anthony was very angry that he was blocked from the trash. LOL. Finally, after promising ice cream, Owen started smiling and doing what we asked. (That was after several other ways/attempts to get him to do it.) It didn't help that it was a new photographer, and she was not very loud when she spoke, and she didn't really seem to know how to get the sitting started, even with us telling her she could take some of Emily by herself first. In the end, the pictures were pretty good, better than I thought we were going to get.

Waiting is so not fun. But having Owen (and Andy) to wait with makes it bearable and entertaining. I love Owen, and I know he will love having a sibling. I continue to hope we hear something soon, but I don't know.....it's all in God's time. And I just have to suck it up;)

Blessings Continued

So, after my last post I felt bad (and maybe a bit embarrassed) about my rant, and my anguish and my sadness....and my jealousy. Therefore, it's taken me a while to want to post again.

Then, last night after dinner, Andy and Owen went outside to play without me. I've been just getting over either a cold or bad allergies (so not sure which), and so I stayed inside. I will not deny that I was also at the end of a very good book, and had played a lot with Owen inside before dinner, so I decided it was a good time to get some reading in. So I sat my lazy bum in the recliner, kicked back and started to read as they headed out the door.

Since it was a nice night out, Andy had a couple windows downstairs open, and as my boys started playing outside. Owen was laughing and giggling, and I just laid my book down and listened. I cried a few tears. One, because I was overwhelmed with love for my wonderful, amazing, and loving husband and my adorable, crazy, sweet, ornery son and the joy they give each other and me. I am SOOOOOOO blessed to have both of them. I never imagined that I would truly find such an amazing partner to share my life with, and then BOOM love struck me and there was Andy. I cried so many tears and longed so much for a child to hold in my arms, and then BOOM there is this child that is so special, so amazing, so unique, and so MINE, placed in my arms and heart FOREVER.
To have the combination of them, MY BOYS!  How can life get any better?!?!?!

Though some of my tears were for my daughter who is not home yet and who I am sad is missing out on these moments and not with our forever family, yet, I did not wallow in that yesterday. I did imagine how Owen and Andy are going to incorporate her into their fun and games, and that made me teary too. Because our family, our gift, is going to continue to get even more amazing, and right now, we're just paving the way for our baby girl, our HAILEY, to come home and find her place in our goofiness. I can see Owen trying to teach her how to throw and kick the balls, and Andy swinging her in his arms, pushing her on the swings, and the utter joy all 3 of them are going to have being with each other. I can feel the joy already, because I am living in joy RIGHT NOW! 

I AM so blessed to hear the laughter, to be able to watch the fun and see the love grow and grow, and better yet, to be part of it as both of my boys throw their smiles at me and call to me. "Hi MOMMY!" "Hi LOVE! (our nickname Andy and I have for each other) To hear those words and to feel them all the way to my heart; to have the blessing of such love that ONLY can start from GOD OUR FATHER! That is AMAZING and I need to stay focused on the blessings that continue to rain down on us every day. And that is what I'm going to continue to do, even the next time I am feeling down, as that is how we make it through those moments. Through the love that originates from God.

So you see, how could I not want to post about this awesomeness, right? I shared some painful feelings last post, and so to be able to share these wonderful and joyful feelings that are 10 x stronger and more important than the other ones just felt right. :)

Feeling down....feel free to skim, it's a long one.......

Okay, so I have been feeling kind of sad this week, mainly because the wait during an adoption sucks. Sometimes I feel okay about it, and focus on praying hard for patience. Then other times, I feel like I'm panicky inside, wondering how long this is going to take, and what if it ends up being 18 months. I feel all like, heart racing, and just get this, feeling outside of myself feeling.  I know that I will come out of this feeling, and it kind of comes and goes in spurts. This week, we got her room part way done, which is exciting, but not at the same time.

Why not? Before we started re-doing it made me sad because we weren't having a little boy join our family, and because Owen is growing up (which is also good and I love him in this stage, but I miss that little baby that only stayed little for what seemed like a min. ) and him not being in that room reminds of this. So I had been anxious to get it changed. Now though, the room will sit empty again, waiting on our baby girl who we don't know. I know, I'm pathetic, because either way I look at it, I was sad about it. I will say that I am happier with how the room is turning out that I was when we first started painting, and it seemed so.....Purple. (Which is absolutely funny, because my favorite color is purple.)

The other reason I've been feeling sad, and this has been for the last month, is because I still struggle with the feelings of infertility and the irregular cycles I have. 2.5 months ago, I found a supplement online that could help with hormone levels, so I decided to try it. I actually felt confident that it could help me with my cycles, and that I would be able to get pregnant on it. Ha! Why do I set myself up for disappointment. The first month, my cycle was actually a bit better. However, month 2 was not. I'm on month 3, and I still can't tell a real difference, but I don't know. 

I know that when you choose to adopt they want you to be "reconciled" with the idea of being infertile. I DO NOT understand how they think you can have those feelings resolved fully. I still struggle when others get pregnant, I still struggle seeing newborns, I still struggle with the fact that I'm missing out on years of my children's lives and not knowing what is happening to them when they are not with me while all others have to do is touch their stomach to feel their child kick.  

Tonight at mass, I was trying to get Owen to fold his hands and say some prayers after communion. I tell Owen we go to mass to thank God for making our family and bringing us together. We always say a prayer for his sister. Tonight, I said, we ask God to watch over her until she comes home. He said, why. I said, because God is the one who can see her and be with her while we can’t. At that point, he turned around and said, why, I want a baby like one, and turned and pointed to a little baby who looked like she was going to be baptized after mass. I know that is an innocent statement from a 3 year old, and I was not upset with him. However, it is another reminder that I will not have my children home that young.

I have a monthly reminder that I'm infertile. I have menstrual issues way more than just infertility, that no one can seem to fix. I know that this is TMI, but I don't think people realize that when you're infertile, there can be way more going on than you just can't conceive a child. There are health issues involved with infertility, and because you face them all the time, the feelings of infertility can’t just vanish. So I keep praying, and I keep praying, and I keep praying to get past these feelings.

I cannot say that infertility is just a burden, because it is not. If I was not infertile, I would not have my son. Owen is so amazing, and so much my child. I thank God every day that he led us to Owen. I cannot imagine our life without him, and I know that the same will be true of our baby girl once she is home. Sometimes, it is easy to forget that I didn’t carry him in my womb, or that I missed his first year. However, it’s mostly when we’re just together as a family. At work and other places, it is harder to forget what I missed out on with him. And now I’m wondering how much I’m missing out on in Hailey’s life, and how old she will be when she comes home. We were really so very lucky getting to meet Owen at 9 months, and to bring him home at 12 months.

I keep trying to remind myself that without infertility, we would not be the family that we are. I would not be the woman that I am, and I would not be as aware of the plight of orphans who need people to be their voice. I know that this is why God has led us in this direction, and I know we are so blessed, in so many ways. I feel ungrateful having the feelings I have. I feel like by having them, my family, specifically my children, will not know how much I truly and absolutely love them and need them in my life. That God KNEW I needed them, and He brought us together because He knew who our family needed to be.

I think I’ve rambled enough. I think I just needed to vent a little and to talk out some of my feelings. I know that they will pass. I know that God is riding the feelings with me; I just need to listen to Him and feel Him with me. I love my family, and honestly, I’m so thankful to be where we are at and to have Owen. Adoption is SUCH a blessing, and not just for the children. I don’t even want to think about how it would feel not to have Owen. I know part of my feelings are also due to the long wait for our daughter. Prayer is the only true answer to everything, and I just need to continue to pray.

Somewhere out there.....

Ever since the Russian ban was put into effect and we realized that we would not be bringing our little boy home, I have been watching the Russian database to see if they changed or updated his photo, so I could keep "tabs" on him in whatever way I could. Well, Saturday night, Andy and I decided to check the database, and our little guy's picture was gone. We are PRAYING really hard that this is a good thing, and that it means he has been adopted.  It feels strange not knowing, and it makes us not being able to adopt him even more real, which is odd since we know we could not.  Now though, we really don't know where he is. We hope that somewhere out there, he is now with his forever family and being given the love that he deserves and that we were hoping to share with him. He will always be in our heart and always will be the son we never got to meet, but now we have more hope for him and his future.

We worked more on our daughter's room yesterday, and the painting is almost done. We have the pink and blue done. Now we just have to touch up the purple. We should be able to have all the decorations and everything up within the next week or two. Depending on the time and everything else we have going on. We were informed a couple weeks ago that there is a 6 - 12 month wait on being matched with a girl under 2. This was not the original time frame we were given. We were originally told we could be matched within 3-4 months. We were also told that it is likely we would not travel to pick our daughter up until 4-6 months after we are matched.

So, finishing up her room is good, but just reminds me that it will be sitting empty that much longer. I am not good with the wait. I'm anxious. All I think about is who she is, how old she is, what she looks like, what conditions she'll have, what will we need to do to make sure everything is ready for her, including medical appointments, possible surgeries.

We started this adoption process 5/2012. We've gone through heart ache, had to re-do our home study, re-do our dossier, and mentally and emotionally change the direction our lives were going.
I keep thinking bout how long it is taking, and how we would love to have 4 kids, and how this process of adoption seems to be getting harder and taking longer. I have been praying that we would bring our girl home by Christmas and we know that this cannot happen at this point. My heart aches to know and hold and have this little girl home with us. I watch Owen and am so anxious for him to have his sister here.

I am praying for patience. As my family will attest, I come from a long line of control freaks (though my mother might deny it, LOL). I am praying very hard to give over my need for control and trust in God and his timing. To know that He has a plan and it is always better than what we can have planned for ourselves.

I ask my friends and family to continue to pray for a little boy that we hold dear in our hearts, for a daughter we hope to soon hold in our arms, and for all the children everywhere that need families. Somewhere out there are families just waiting to be united.

Projects, projects, projects.....

So, another blog not totally related to the adoption. I must really feel like blogging lately, LOL. We have been working on projects inside the house and outside the house. First, we have been trying to get our landscaping looking better this year, and have decided to change out mulching for having river rocks in our plant beds. Since this is a more permanent way of layering the plant beds, we are going to start pulling some bushes/plants, transplanting plants, and planting new ones- only perennials. I am super excited about no longer worrying about mulching!  I am also super excited because this may help alleviate some pest issues we've had in the past, such as cats using our mulch as a bathroom (YUCK!), we have some sort of snake (I'm guessing a garden snake) living in the front plant bed as well....I'm pretty sure I found some disgusting snake skin the other day on our walkway, and these tiny little insects that we have had an issue with for a bout a month called springtails (double YUCK!).  They are attracted to moisture, and the rocks are better around the house and don't retain the moisture on top the way mulch does. So there are MANY positives to the river rocks. Along with this, we are also trying to decrease some of our landscaping by cutting back on the plant bed in the front of our house, and getting rid of the one that lines the deck in our back. Why? Because who ever designed our landscaping had to be CRAZY!  The plant beds are so huge, and I really don't think that was necessary.

Plus, we are SERIOUSLY contemplating tearing down our deck and having a patio put in. Again, many of you may be wondering why....well because we've also had ground hogs, wood bees, and other creepy crawlies that LOVE to make a home out of our deck. In fact, we just had to have someone come get rid of a ground hog....and apparently apossum (Ick). When we moved into the house, we actually had a trellis on the deck, but it was SOOOOOO infested with wood bees, we tore it down. It took care of quite a few of them, but they still. keep. coming. back. :(  Also, the screws in the deck are sticking up, and I am so afraid that someone, especially a kid, will end up walking in bare feet and scraping themselves on them. We're getting a few estimates to see if it's really feasible or not.....keeping my fingers crossed it is.

The other project we started is the baby room for our baby girl! Yesterday, Owen and I started painting the room. Now, I was painting with a 3.5 yr old, so we got very little done, and what we did get done REALLY needs some more time and paint, LOL. But, it feels good to have some of the new color up on the wall. It's going to be purple with a checkered pattern on the wall behind the crib that consists of blue and rose pink, and purple. With a blue and rose pink strip going across the other walls. I'm positive that the vision I have in my head is probably more spectacular than what the room will actually end up looking like, but it's always the thought that counts, right? :) Needless to say though, I will have to work on the room at some point without Owen, or we'll be lucky to get it done before she gets here.....whenever that may be. I had promised him he would get a chance to paint though, and I wanted to make sure he really got a chance. I didn't get any pics yet though of him doing it, so I'll have to let him paint at least one more time. I also want to use his footprints to make butterflies in the room. Not a ton, but a few. I think it will be cute that way:)

On Friday night, I was trying to tape the room up for painting, and talk to Andy about my "great" plans. Owen wanted to "help" so he said, "I'm going to go get some tools." He came back with his hammer, and was going to start hammering the walls. Andy said, "No Owen, don't hit my walls. I'll go get you something else to hammer." Andy came back with a toy nail. Owen then took the nail in his left hand, put it against the wall, and cocked his right arm back ready to swing. Of course, Andy jumped in, "No Owen, don't do that. What do you think you're doing?" Owen, very calmly and non-chalantly said, "Trying to put a hole in the wall." His facial expression was so matter-of-fact and his tone was like, "Duh, dad, what else did you think I was going to do?" I cracked up. In fact, we had sat down to watch a movie, and in the middle of the movie, I started remembering it, and cracked up to the point of tears for a good 15 mins. I think if it's true you lose weight when you laugh, I had to have lost a good 5 lbs just from that laughing fit.......a girl can hope, right, LOL:) 

We heard from our consultant that they are actively looking for a match for us now, so I'm REALLY hoping we get matched soon. I ask that you continue to pray for us and our little girl to be. We also continue to pray for all of the families stuck in process in Russia, and many other countries, even the US. That these families can be united.

You're my Best Friend:)

So this is not adoption related, but it is about my baby boy, who is no longer really a baby, but I can't stop calling him that, LOL. Last Friday, we were packing up to head to my parents for the weekend. I needed to run to the store to look at some dehumidifiers, which they didn't really have at the store I went to. But, on the way back, I was just trying to get home as fast as possible, and took a different way thinking it would be. WRONG! I forgot that in our city on Fridays, they have special activities downtown, and I ran right smack in to the traffic and congestion. So, I was trying to find alternate ways to go and just was frustrated, as I'm always anxious to get on the road anyway, so I said something I shouldn't have, "I just want to get freakin' home!" (I was kind of whiny and it was not one of my better moments). Anyway, my 3.5 year old who is finding it hilarious to copy everything I say right now piped up with the same sentence. It was my "smack hand to head moment" of D'oh. So I quickly told him that I was bad to say what I said, and that I would get a time out for it when I got home, so he should not say that.

Owen's response was not what I expected. Usually when I put his daddy in a time out (yes I have done that before to show more to Owen that it is not okay to do certain things such as throw balls in my house.) Usually, Owen says, yeah daddy, time out! Well, his response to me was, "No mommy, you can't have a time out, because you're my best friend!" Boy, does he know how to make you smile or what? Not only did I NOT have to sit in time out (LOL), but my 3 year old called me his best friend for the first time, before he ever said it to his dad, so I got to go home and brag about it to Andy, LOL:)  I did feel kind of bad for Andy, but I know soon enough Andy will be number 1 for Owen, because he's daddy, and no one can top daddy, LOL:)

Well, we made it to my parents house, after 11:00 pm, and Owen did NOT sleep at all on the way there. His sleep was very thrown off this past weekend. he took a good nap Saturday, but again, he didn't get to bed until late Saturday night. Then, he only slept an hour on the way home Sunday because it rained really hard and loud on the way back. Luckily, he slept good last night, and (knocking on wood), he is sleeping well tonight so far too. Although, he did get up about 15 mins after we layed him down tonight. I heard him say something and the covers rustling, so I knew he was making his move. Click, there went the door, and I went to him, picked him up and hugged him, and he said, "I want to snuggle with you." He said it so sad and cute, it was all I could do not to lay down with him for some snuggle time. I mean, how much longer is the snuggle time going to last? But, I had some things to do tonight, so I was good and put him back in his bed and said I would check on him when I went to bed, and if he was still awake, I would snuggle with him.

Sigh. Oh snuggle time, why can't my baby want to do that at other times rather than just when he wants out of his bed.

So the things I had to do before bed did not consist of writing on my blog, but I decided to write tonight anyway. I did order a new card replacement for a credit card, and I ordered a new work out video set- ZUMBA! I have been using the Wave aerobic system for almost 4 years. It has been used sporadically in the past with overtime/work, adoption, and stuff. But this past year to year and half I've been trying to be more focused. I had 3-4 months of solid work out in the fall, until I ended up sick for 3 months. In January, I started getting back on track, and now I've been working out 3-4 times a week, which is REALLY hard with Owen home, but I'm healthier. Well, I need to be able to change up my routines a bit better, since I only have 2 videos that go with my step. I don't want to get too bored with the ones I have, plus, I want to try and use different muscles more. So, Zumba was the next choice. I'm kind of excited about it, but I also really hope that it will help me more too. I have lost a few inches, but it's really only noticeable to me at this point. I'm hoping by having a bigger variety of workouts, it will be even more beneficial.

We're still waiting for a log in date (LID) for our dossier, and then once we get that, we can be matched any time. I'm REALLY praying that it happens soon. Please continue to keep our family in your prayers, as well as all families waiting for their kids and especially all kids waiting for their families.

Dossier done:)

After what seemed like forever, we finally got the last piece of our dossier done today.  Now, we just wait to be matched (I hate saying "referral"). I have started to pick up momentum in plans for baby girl's room, and almost have Owen's curtains done. Hopefully this weekend they will be hanging there. Once I'm done with his curtains, I'll be making baby girl's blanket. I'm really hoping she loves her blanket as much as Owen loves his. It makes me feel good that it's the blanket I made specifically with him in mind:)

So as I handed over our immigration approval to the fed ex person and left the building, I suddenly had an urge to cry. I got to the car and still was teary. I think it was the relief that we finally were done with this portion, and also the feeling of just being ready. But I've also been thinking about a very precious little boy that is being left behind in all of this, and that he would be home right now, getting ready to turn 2 this coming month. I am VERY excited about our daughter, and will be SO THRILLED and AMAZED with the daughter God chooses for us. But part of me is still so very sad about this little boy whom I still consider my son in my heart, who is not going to get to come home. I know that God is working this all out without my knowledge of how, but some days, it's still so hard to let it go and trust. I continue to pray for my patience and acceptance of God's plan. I pray that the guilt I feel over my excitement about our baby girl will continue to dissolve with time. I continue to pray for my little boy that I only saw in pictures, and that he will find his loving family.

I am very happy to be ready for the next step, and continue to hope that maybe before Christmas our daughter can be home.

Our path has changed directons, and our hearts continue to heal, hope, and have faith

So it's been a long time coming this post. In November, we were still so excited and anxiously waiting to know when we would finally travel to meet our new son. Well, we finally received our travel date the the Wednesday prior to Christmas. We were so excited to know when we would finally meet our new son, which would have been on 02/10/13. 

Then, our happiness was knocked down the very next week as the Russian government signed the bill banning all American adoptions. No one knew what this meant for those of us in the process, not our agency, not the US government. We tried to remain hopeful, and continued to look at our son's pictures, praying we would still be able to bring him home. We participated in conference calls with the Department of State, and our hope was slowly diminishing as we heard from them and read news out of Russia. In mid-January, our consultant at our agency finally straight out said to us, you need to determine your other options, you are not going to get through Russia's ban.

What's so unreal about ths situation is, from the moment we were matched, I had this fear that somehing was going to happen and we were going to lose our son. It was a much different feeling than when we were matched with Owen. With Owen, we registered for shower gifts, my friends and family sent out shower invitations, we told everyone about Owen. Two days after we were matched I called our agency to discuss the next step and they said that we would not be given travel dates until at least the end of November. I just felt this hesitation of wanting to share our news with anyone. I even told some friends and family that I just had this bad feeling we were not going to bring our son home. This time, I just know God was preparing me for this turn of events.

Andy and I feel like we have lost our son, and still consider this precious and beautiful child ours. We feel a deep loss. The only comfort we truly have is that we know God is watching over us and our son. Even if we cannot see or hold him, God will be there for him.

We prayed alot about what we should do. We learned more about the Waitng Child program iin China, and we feel God has led us here. Due to just losing a little boy, we decided to request a girl. Though we did have to somewhat "start over" in the process. We have been able to do so relatively quickly, and now are almost to where we will be logged in. Once logged in, we can be matched with our baby girl.

Throughout this process, I have struggled with feelings of guilt and sadness in the midst of wanting to feel excited for our girl. I have done some shopping for girl things, some of which was just to make the situation more real to me. We were so prepared for another boy, I envisioned Owen and our new son playing together, and being the best of friends. It didn't seem real to me at first that now we will have a daughter. I felt sadness when I would see clothes that would fit our new son, or the little brother shirt we had already gotten him. I felt sad when Owen would grow out of a shirt and think about just boxing it up instead of having it ready for his brother.  

I feel guilt, because I will not know what happens to my son. I can only pray that if he cannot be with our family, that he will be given another forever family that will love him as much as we would.  I pray that he will at least know love. I pray for him.

I also pray for our little girl who we do not know yet, and hope that when she learns of our adoption journey, and that it began in a different country, and we had been matched with a little boy, that she will not feel any less loved or any less wanted. Losing our son is out of our control, just as if we would have had a miscarriage. It's all in God's plan, even if it can be difficult and sad on the way to where we are supposed to go, it all works out through His love and guidance.

I have had pangs of guilt each time we get through another step in our China adoption, because with each hurtle overcome (such as new home study, new dossier documents), I feel more and more excitement and anticipation of our little girl. I cannot wait to find out who she is, and to know when we will bring her home. I cannot wait to start buying her clothes and pcituring her and Owen together. I cannot wait to put bows in her hair and see her in girly dresses. I have guilt for the increasing happiness I have for a daughter I have yet to even see or know anything about, when I was so excited for this little boy who embedded himself in my heart just with his pictures. 

The uplifting part of our journey during this adoption process is knowing that we have a little girl who needs us and is waiting for us, just as we need her and are waiting for her. As I've said before, God chose our family. He picked Andy for my spouse, Owen as our first child, and He continues to lead us to our daughter.  God's plan is always more amazing than the plans we could ever imagine for ourselves. The gift of my family shows me that everyday through my husband and my son. My life, even with all the normal drama of life circumstances, could not be more amazing and more of a blessing, and it is only due to God's planning and guidance that I am here.

Please continue to pray for those families that have met their children and are trying to bring them home. I know God is watching over them and I hope they can feel His love and guidance through it. But most importantly, please pray for the children in Russia, and everywhere, who are still waiting for their forever families.